Shadows...

...their presence are everywhere. Over me. Under me. Beside me. Behind me. In front of me. Upon me. Within me.

Flickering. Quivering. Radiating. Diffusing. Scattering. Flickering on my wall from what little remains of my favorite Twisted Peppermint candle . Quivering behind the tail of the bright green gecko that tries to hide within his larger than life shadow. Diffused on the table in front of my half full wine glass. Scattered under my fingertips and their pitter patter on my keyboard. Radiating within me as my mind wanders. A constant, yet subliminal reminder. Of our past. Our present. And in a chilling way, Our future.

Beyond a Shadow of a doubt. The Shadow of darkness. The Shadows of our past. The Shadow of death.

All give me goosebumps much like a soft breeze does on freshly sunburned skin. Uncomfortable, unpleasant, yet there's no stopping them.  Hiding from them. Running from them.

I had the best of intentions to escape the rain and clouds of Hilo today and make the drive to the other side of the island to enjoy the clear and sunny skies of Kona. However, the festivities of Saturday night cast its shadow on my partner in crime and we opted to stay home and rest for the day. Which I am semi-happy about. As it has been far too long since my last entry.

Instead I sit here, engulfed in the shadow and aroma of relaxation of twisted peppermint air combined with the rain dancing on the roof and a full double rainbow reigning the skies; outshining the darkness of the clouds. Pinch me. As it really is that beautiful...even in the rain.

A quick run down of the events since my last entry. Ah yes, attending Kyani's 1st Birthday party. I was SO grateful to be invited and it was by no means a "let down" It reminded me much of a high school graduation party on the mainland, except with much more food, a live band, lots of adult beverages, a professional photographer, and Hello Kitty merchandise everywhere. Out of respect to the family, I was not able to take many photos, but none-the-less, I did manage to sneak a few in.

One of MANY cakes and desserts.

Party favors on every table as well as suckers with Kyani's picture on them for all to take home. There was even cotton candy with the birthday girl on the wrapper.

My Co-worker's adorable girls.

A famous Hawaiian Band. Now if I could just remember their name.

 It was an experience I won't soon forget. Although, I couldn't help but be reminded of birthdays. As I stared at my reflection beside Hello Kitty in the bathroom mirror, I looked away when I spotted what appeared to be a sparkling silver hair...or was that a sun-kissed highlight? I scurried out of the bathroom with my shadow following close behind before I investigated any further.

Shadows. No stopping them. No hiding from them. No running from them.

Next came a hike to a secluded beach. This has become one of my favorite things to do. Pack a cooler, strap on a backpack filled with lunch for the day, add some great company coupled with even better conversation, and hour long drive followed by an hour long 'workout' (Really hike, but I have somehow managed to convince myself that hike=workout since the gym does not seem to be part of the Hawaiian vocabulary...or mine since entering Island life.) After all, an hour long hike leads to pure beauty. I have come to crave days like this. Who wouldn't pick this over the gym??

With Steinlager in hand, I caught a glimpse of my shadow. A shadow that seems to have grown bigger. Wider. Thicker. Since arriving in the Islands. Feeling guilty between sips, with the sun beaming down, I decided to practice a few of my yoga poses seems how classes just don't seem to exist in the Big Island.

Balance. Breathe. Breathe. Is that a turtle I see in the water?

Focus Lisa. Rocks in my hand. Steinlager affecting my balance. Breathe. Breathe.

I think I got it!

 After almost falling off my mini cliff, I finally achieved a semi-quasi yoga pose. It was quite difficult to stay focused with all the turtles swimming below me. After a mini workout, I was ready to go back to my beach mat.

Yep, pretty sure I scared away all the wild life with my shrill scream. There is nothing about a reptile gently brushing your abs that is appealing. It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.

But, in no time, I was forced to overcome my shadows and hold Ms Myrtle, the Turtle.

Shadows. No stopping them. No hiding from them. No running from them.

Next on the agenda was an hour drive to a night of camping ocean side. Something a girl from ND thinks about, dreams about. A few pictures in preparation for this.

I had packed as if I was going camping in ND: sweats, long sleeves, gloves, sleeping bags, blankets, toilet paper, flashlights, a cooler packed with beverages. I was certain we were gonna be out in the middle of nowhere in pure darkness surrounded only by the chirping frogs and the blackness of their shadows. Hawaii has made me realize I am scared of the dark. It gets so dark here you can't even see your had in front of your face. And with geckos and frogs creeping around...do you blame me?

Instead, I found myself surrounded by pure beauty. The sun getting ready to settle in the sky, the waves calmly sweeping away the shadows of my fellow campers, the sky looking much like a watercolor painting masterpiece, the smell of hamburgers on the grill, camp fires smoldering, and a complete and utter feeling of tranquility. Maybe it was from the Steinlagers, maybe the yoga, but I think more so from the scene in front of me. Take a look and tell me what you think.

Distracted was an understatement. While I was busy filling up my camera's SCD card, I'm sure Charlie was biting his lip, grumbling about being stuck with all the work. It takes a patient person to take me camping, as I can't read a map, follow directions, or pitch a tent. Basically I am good for conversation and pictures. I'm thinking those that keep taking me along on these road trips must not mind too much...

Tee Hee.

As night fell, the shadows of my past surfaced. I had come prepared to be up all night itching and twitching. All I could remember about my past experiences camping were the bugs attacking me and either sweating to death or freezing to death. It was a pleasant surprise, when none of the above happened. Instead it was the most peaceful setting I have ever been in. Who needed a Pandora when I had the live version of the ocean waves brushing the shore? The moonlight was like a perfect candle in the wind; allowing enough light to see the rolling of the waves, but enough darkness to watch the glowing stars. Enough to see the shadows of the waves leaving the shore.

Shadows. Their presence is everywhere. Flickering. Quivering. Radiating. Diffusing. Scattering.

Again, I had goosebumps. Much like a soft breeze blowing gently on sunburned skin. There's no stopping them. Hiding from them. But this time, they were comfortable. Pleasant. Welcomed.

After a peaceful night of sleep, a grilled breakfast, scanning the shores for sea shells, and packing up, it was on to the City of Refuge.

Must have tested the patience just a tad??

 The City of Refuge. A beautiful walk. A tourist attraction. Worth seeing, but not worth all the hype. Funny how that goes sometimes. Regardless, I am happy we went.

All which finally brings me to my main point: Shadows. Their presence is undeniable. Kind of like fingerprints. They are everywhere. Impossible to escape. The faster you try to run away from them, the closer they cling. We all have them. Funny how they can seem like "skeletons in your closet." Memories we are trying to desperately to escape or hide from until we finally face them. 

However, my time in Hawaii has taught me to view life in a different perspective. A much simpler, slower one at that. Shadows are also what create and sustain life. After all, shadows are what allow many of the flowers in the Islands to grow. They also shield us pale skinned mainlanders from sunburns and wrinkles. They allow plants to grow in the cracks of lava rock. They allow turtles to sunbathe. They create rainbows. They instigate memories.

Shadows... now seem to have a hint of serendipity to them....

However, as I sit here and write this, I am lost in thought about shadows? Can the shadows of our past prevent us from our futures? Can they be so difficult to overcome that we miss the rainbow?

I don't have the answers yet, but I am hoping by the time I leave Hawaii I do. This is yet another time, being alone, on the road, is difficult. I need my girlfriends right now to help me with the shadows of the my past, my present, and my future.

Shadows...

...their presence is everywhere. Over me. Under me. Beside me. Behind me. In front of me. Upon me. Within me.

Flickering. Quivering. Radiating. Diffusing. Scattering. Flickering. On my wall. On my skin. In my mind. In my heart.

All give me goosebumps much like a soft breeze does on freshly sunburned skin. Uncomfortable, unpleasant, yet there's no stopping them.  Hiding from them. Running from them.

Again, I have goosebumps. Much like a soft breeze blowing gently on sunburned skin. There's no stopping them. Hiding from them. Running from them. But this time, they are comfortable. Pleasant. Welcomed.

Tonight: Ponder your shadows. Make them on the wall. And help me figure out mine.

As yours truly.... is lost in the shadows.

Within...

First breathe. First steps. First words.

First date. First kiss. First love.

First job. First paycheck. First promotion.

First song. First dance. First "harrah."

All worth remembering. All unforgettable. All send shivers down my spine.

First drink. First cigarette. First run-in with the law.

All worth remembering. All unforgettable. All send shivers down my spine.

It's been awhile since I have taken the time to sit down and write. I miss it. I crave it. I need it. As I mentioned in a previous post, between the sun and and sandy beaches, and the mandatory overtime at work, life has been busy to say the least. I think I have failed to follow my own advice in "Sitting at A Red Light", "Fen Shui-ing" or "taking 15 minutes in silence" to cleanse the mind, the body, the soul.

Instead I have been guilty of working too much, sleeping too little, but truly enjoying the beauty that I am surrounded by. I often pinch myself and think, "Is this for real?"

Having said that, it does not make being away from my family, my friends, my home any easier. I have had many moments where I long for familiarity, the comfort of home. The Bison Championship game and my Sister's engagement are two things that come to mind instantly. (The holidays are a 'given' in my book) Both caused me to shed tears of joy. Tears of sadness. Tears of admiration.

Firsts. Funny how they can somehow lead to tears of sadness. Tears of joy. Tears of the unknown.

A few firsts that I have had the privilege of experiencing since I arrived in Hawaii.

1. First Time Being Without a Car. Relying strictly on public transportation and my tennis shoes. Not knowing a Single Soul.

Humbling? Yes. Frustrating? Yes. Great Life Lesson? Absolutely. I think everyone should experience this at least once in their life. It truly makes you appreciate the smallest gestures of total strangers. Once again, not knowing what you have, til it's not there.

2. First Run-in with a Gecko hiding under my pillow.

Feelings of the "eeby jeebies'? Yes. Wanting a man to come "Save Me?" Yes. Developing an 'understanding' that we are a team...George eats the fruit flies while I enjoy my fruit. Priceless. However, that's where it ends. No holding. No cuddling time for George. We keep our distance. It's strictly a "business" relationship. But one of respect at that. A lesson in open-mindedness. One I think we could all learn from.

3. First time my Garmin cannot steer me in the right direction.

Feelings of uneasiness? Absolutely. Countless hours of driving in circles? Uh huh. (I don't care what they say, people CAN get lost on an island.) Lisa developing more patience? Ah...no. Lisa at least taking the map when people offer it to her? Yes. Being able to read it? No. A work in progress...baby steps. But, I have ran into some pretty cool things along the way.

4. First visit to the "Green Sand Beach" and the Southern Most Tip of the United States.

Worth the hour hike? Without a doubt. Worth the bruised knees from slipping on the volcanic rock? For sure. Bright green color like the books show? Not so much. More of a "Gold Sand" beach. None the less, another great life lesson: Life can be an illusion. Live it through your own senses...not someone else's.

5. First time working out in ONLY a Sports Bra and shorts...

Let me explain. I have always wanted to be the 'cute' girl at the gym with the washboard abs, working out and looking cute doing it. Ive just never had the confidence to do it. Those of you that know me, know that this is definitely NOT me a the gym. Heck. Even when I ran the marathon, my goal was to run it in a sports bra and feel comfortable. (Nope, ran it in spandex, a tank top, with a jacket) Turns out, all it takes is: a gym without air conditioning. The 75-80 weather serving as the air-conditioning attempting to force the gentle breeze in the opened doors, 100% humidity, and a North Dakotan in 'hibernation' mode, trying to fit in with the locals. I stick out like a sore thumb! All I have to do is walk in the gym and I instantly begin to sweat. Put me on the stepmill? There's no hiding it. I tend to resemble an 'eager vacationer stuck in a tropical storm'...a hot mess at best. After a few weeks of trying to tough it out, I finally whipped my tank top off, used it as a towel, and eventually embraced me facing my fears. It only took 32 years, but I WAS that girl in the gym, shirtless. Empowering? Yes. Feelings of wanting to hide? For sure. Worth the risk? Without a doubt.

Funny how in life, sometimes something you fear the most, turns out to be just what you needed. My shirtless workout taught me that sometimes things are 'scarier' than they seem. Risks are scary, but worth taking. At least at the end of the day, our questions are answered. They may not be the answer we are looking for, but at least they are answered. Interesting.

6. First Island 'Rash'

 No! Not that kind.  Sheesh. Sandruff: the end result when indulging in something you love, only to be constantly reminded and bothered by it later." Yep, my trip to the hot ponds left me with the nickname: "Fire Pits." Yes, I admit it, I got a fungal rash under both armpits from the water. And let me tell you, they ITCH worse than any mosquito bite I have ever had. Also very difficult to get rid of because they like warm, dark places. Hmmmm....I never liked my armpits to begin with, now I really hate them. Stay tuned...hopefully it goes away soon. SO worth it though.

And finally, a quick list of some 'firsts' that are yet to come:

* Go to a traditional Hawaiian 1 year old Birthday party--they are a HUGE deal here. I've been lucky enough to be invited to one.
* To ride a wave on a surf board
* To paddle board.
* Steal snow from Mauna Kea and make a snowman by the beach.
*To learn the Hula

Firsts.

All worth remembering. All unforgettable. All send shivers down my spine.

 We all look forward to them, celebrate them, sometimes even plan them. Other times we just need them. Kinda like that first drink of water after a long run...so quenching. Satisfying. Rewarding.

Last breathe. Last steps. Last words.

Last date. Last kiss. Last love.

Last job. Last paycheck. Last promotion.

Last song. Last dance. Last "harrah."

All worth remembering. All unforgettable. All send shivers down my spine.

Last drink. Last smoke. Last run-in with the law. 

All worth remembering. All unforgettable. All send shivers down my spine.

Endings. Funny how they can somehow lead to tears of sadness. Tears of joy. Tears of the unknown.

As I sit here in Hilo and write this, I can't help but be torn between beginnings and endings. Firsts and lasts. Since arriving on the Island, I have had too many close friends lose their Fathers to tragedy. My heart goes out to each and every one of them. Once again, a constant reminder of how delicate life really is.

On a lighter note, I have spent the last year and some odd months living life in 3 month increments. Marking off the days on the calendar after work; much like we did back in kindergarten when we made a chain link necklace for the last few days of school. Searching for the ending. I promised myself I wasn't going to do this in Hawaii, but I must admit, I have been faithfully crossing off the days in red on my calendar. I had told myself before landing in Hawaii, that this was going to be my last travel assignment...I am so torn. Half of me wants to buy a house and settle down somewhere while the other half of me knows this is a short window of opportunity and once it's over, it will be over forever. Endings. They are tough. However, my gig as a travel nurse is an entire different blog entry...stay tuned.

Sharifa's last day and breakfast in Hilo.

Funny how in life, we have all created countdowns. Countdowns til vacation. Countdowns til Christmas. Countdowns til Summer. Countdowns til retirement. Almost wishing life away. Wanting life to pass by faster than it already does. Don't get me wrong, I am 100% guilty of this. But why? Isn't life already short enough? As I am sure, Somewhere. Someday. We will all wish we had more time. I have had the privilege of sharing the last moments. Last words. Last Breaths of people's lives. And most have told me very similar things: "I wish I would've worried less, experienced more, and cared less what people thought about me." Some words of wisdom I think we should all learn to live by.

Which brings me to my main point. Life: it seems as though we stress the "Firsts" and "Lasts" but tend to overlook the "Middle."  The "Now." The Moment. The section in which we spend most of our lives.

After all, it's the middle of the book that tells the story, the inside of cards that carry the message, the chorus in the middle of the song that sustains the melody.

Ok, I have become distracted and am lost in thought pondering about the things in life where the middle is the best part. These are just a few that popped into my mind:

the center of the snickers is what keeps me coming back for more. The filling of jellied donuts. The glazed steamy center of a cinnamon roll. Stuffed crust pizza. Cheese curds. Smores. Pineapple. The 7th inning of a baseball game (Ok, not completely in the middle, but not the end either.) Half time entertainment. Center stage.  Half way through a run. The middle of the night. The center of the blanket. Being in the middle of someone's arms.

 

Being the Middle Sister. Not to take away from the first or last, but I have been dealt a winning hand. Lucky Me.

Mid breathe. Mid steps. Mid words.

Mid date. Mid kiss. Mid falling in love.


Mid job. Mid paycheck. Mid promotion.


Mid song. Mid dance. Mid "harrah."


All worth remembering. All unforgettable. All send shivers down my spine.

Mid drink. Mid smoke. Mid run-in with the law. 

The half way point: Funny how they can somehow lead to tears of sadness. Tears of joy. Tears of the unknown.

Also funny how the 'middle' sometimes is referred to as the 'rut' or 'routine' we are desperately trying to escape. Wanting to try something new. Different. Yet it is between sunrise and sunset that we are most productive.  Feel most accomplished. Have the most energy. Coincidence? I think not.

As I sit here, smack dab in the middle of my 13 week assignment, I can't help but want to hit the pause button. I am not sure I am ready for the end to be here. Glad some of the 'firsts' are done and over with, while others I wish I could relive over and over. But, I must admit, I am truly enjoying living in the moment. The now. The Middle.  While sipping on my Kona coffee, in my cozy apartment, with my chocolate mint candle aglow, my favorite Pink song interrupts my pitter patter on the keyboard. I get a bit teary-eyed. Well, you might as well live in the moment with me as the lyrics truly describe my time up until this point in Hawaii...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQ0zhsvhynw

Caught somewhere between the beginning and the end. I am happy. Content. Satisfied. At Peace...with Pink's words echoing in the background:

"Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight?
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?
Tonight."

Tonight: Ponder this: "Beginnings and endings are tiny aspects of what lie within......The Middle." Strive to be happy. Content. Satisfied. At Peace. As it truly is the way we were all meant to live. As "Paradise" is simply a state of mind. A State of being.