In a far different setting, I find myself feeling like this, as I sit, alone, in the Minneapolis airport.Vulnerable. Exposed. Just plain naked. I have left everything behind: my family, my friends, my Alice (dog), my car, my everything. For those of you that know me, my car is much like a mini Wal-mart isle. Chances are, if I need it, I am almost certain I can find it tucked away in my car. Perfume, lotion, wine opener, change of clothes, blankets, luggage, sunscreen, golf clubs, bug spray, sunglasses, comfort, reliability, security, my 'home away from home', familiarity. After all, my car and I have quite the relationship with all the time we have spent together being lost, exploring, singing car karoake (she is my biggest fan), laughing, crying, eating, drinking...and endless memories.
Security blankets. We all have them. Some of us just fail to realize them until times like this. I must confess my car is mine. It has served as a "mini' camper for me, keeping me safe, supplying a 'way out' if need be, and providing comfort and familiarity of home. Now here I sit with 2 suitcases, a computer, my camera, my cellphone, and my itinerary.
Carless, homeless, friendless.
Waiting. Wondering. Anticipating.
Which brings me to the Los Angeles airport where I am stuck for the next 7 hours. I spent the first 3.5 hours attempting to busy myself: eating, window shopping, reading, surfing the internet. All in attempts to avoid feeling naked. However in my last 3 hours here, I find that my anticipation has turned to fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being alone. Fear of defeat. The butterflies in my stomach are a confused combination of excitement and calmness, fear and bravery; sprinkled with a hint of hesitation. My mind begins to wonder as I sit and watch a young boy, in his LA Laker jersey, bounce a basketball...
There's five seconds left in the 4th quarter. We are down by two points when Mr. Ross decides that I am person who is gonna have the ball in these final seconds. I am the one who can win this game for our team. As the sweat rolls down my face, I feel my stomach filled with butterflies. Butterflies of hope, excitement combined with butterflies of defeat. Waiting. Wondering. Anticipating. As the ref blows the whistle, I pivot around my defense, feel the ball in my finger tips, fake to the right, take two dribbles to the left, plant my feet... and shoot a 3 at the top of the key. I glance at the clock, as the ball arcs ever so slowly in the air, 2...1. The gym has fallen silent. I can feel my heart beating. Time has stopped for a moment. Everything is in slow motion. Silence. Silence. I hold my breathe. The crowd roars. BUZZ!
and just like that the butterflies are gone.
And just like that Hawaiin airlines announcing it's final boarding call. Which brings me to my main point. We are all faced with fear. But I have come to realize fear is an emotion that is the final result of something else. Feeling insecure, vulnerable, exposed, naked. Throughout life we will all experience hearth ache, loss, deceit, defeat, and fear. It's what we do with these feelings that determines our destiny. Many of us attempt to hide them. Ignore them. Mask them with work, food, exercise, alcohol...instead of really taking the journey to experience them. I've realized that in failing to live our emotions, our hearts gradually surrender to the layers we built around it, until the layers slowly become walls. Walls of protection. Walls of shelter from harm. Until we become hard. Cold. Unable to shed a tear. A prisoner of sorts.
I think we all tend to mask our emotions; even the happy ones. We hold back. Why?
From the little research I have done about Hawaii, I have learned it is a land filled with spirit. Emotion. Meditation. Yoga. Funny how life has a way of taking us to places that we need. I have come to realize I have built walls. It's time to break them. Ask for help. It's ok to feel vulnerable. Exposed. Naked. It's all part of the process of breaking down the walls. Letting the prisoner free. To think clearer. To breathe slower. To feel stronger. To love deeper. To live richer. Sometimes it takes being 'stripped' to rebuild a stronger, better, more peaceful self.
The journey I am about to embark on is me facing my fears. Many think because I am going to a tropical paradise that everything will be perfect. But life is still life. It can be hard at times. But it's time to pull the trigger. Go for it. Face my fears. I am wise enough to know that I can't do this alone. And from time to time, am gonna need my family and friends for support, encouragement. There, I said it. I am gonna need your help. And just like that, I feel better already.
As I sign off, I am watching a lady shed tears of sadness while kissing her lover good-bye. Exposing her vulnerability to the entire airport. Not attempting to hide it. Mask it. But just to feel it. Experience it. I want to live like that. Be like that. Feel like that.
Vulnerable. Exposed. Naked. All now have a hint of serendipity to them.
Tonight: Ponder your fears. Express them. Feel them. Share them with someone. Maybe even set out to conquer them. I promise you, you won't regret it.
Tomorrow: Say what you need to say, Feel what you need to feel. As life is short and I hope to never be in a position of "I never got to tell them ____________" I love them. I miss them. I need them.
