Haul A Days...

As I sit in my cozy apartment in Hilo, candle lit, surrounded by the aroma of fresh pineapple and strawberry papaya, feeling rather lazy after a scrumptious meal, I can't help but feel relaxed. Tranquil. Peaceful. A far different feeling than I had a few days ago.

Upon my arrival to Hilo on Friday, I was greeted with an apartment that was not ready for me to move into until Sunday, a car that was reserved for Saturday instead of Friday (i know, 0/2... right???......Welcome to "Island Time"), extending my status of being helpless, carless, and homeless. That, coupled the rain and a vicious growl from my stomach, I was thinking I best take a cab to the nearest yoga studio, throw my 70 lbs of luggage down, and let yoga do its magic. Instead, I did the next best thing. I went to Target, bought some Pinot Noir, fresh berries, and was lucky enough to be invited to my realtor's house to relax until my my friend, Miss Carrie, could come to my rescue. Feeling rather frazzled, unsettled.

Cork. Pour. Sip. Breathe.

Taste. Feel. Listen. Gaze. Touch.

Think. Daydream. Ponder. Wish.

All while sitting ocean side. All while pinching myself, trying to believe this is for real.

We continued to sip on wine, listen to the waves, the breeze, the frogs (I thought birds were making all the noise, turns out its the frogs. Seriously, there is no tuning them out. They are that loud.), until the sky was black and my eyes were heavy. Heavy from fatigue. Heavy from bliss. Heavy from tranquility.

The next few days I spent watching the rain, sipping on coffee, playing catch up with Carrie, window shopping, going to dinner, and attempting to eliminate either the carless or homeless situation. Lucky me, by Sunday, I was neither. A view from the stairwell of my apartment. Stunning. Lucky. Blessed.

Upon first arriving to Hilo, I must admit, I was in a bit of a culture shock. A definite sense of "us" verses "them", Native Hawaiins verses us "wanna be's." I felt detached. Unwelcomed. Almost like an enemy. Misunderstood. That's the funny thing about culture, until you take the time to experience it, learn about it, live in it, I don't think we ever really quite understand it. Different language. Different mannerisms. Different beliefs. Different eye contact. I am not there yet, but everyday, it's becoming a little more clear...much like the sky. Cloudy to hazy to vog (the term used for volcanic ash in the air)...awaiting clear sky and sunshine. Looking forward to the journey that takes me there.

I had been here 3 days before I was really able to enjoy the outdoors. And it was so worth the wait. After discovering my garmin was useless here, (oh sh*&!!) I decided to go exploring by foot. I figured I would become too tired before I became too lost. Below is what I uncovered on my run. Pretty sure it is the best running path ever...

All of which leads me to today. The Eve of Thanksgiving. Funny how I can remember exactly what I was doing at this time last year. Packing my bags. Getting ready to venture out on my first travel nurse assignment. Taking tests. Racing against time to get all my paperwork in. Freezing my ass off. Walking my dog. Hanging with my sisters. Cherishing my niece. Laughing with the family. Having cocktails with friends. Scheming for my first Black Friday outing. Followed by some intense Karaoke post shopping. Stuffing myself to the point of nausea and then forcing down 1 more piece of strawberry rhubarb pie.

2009: I spent in Rochester. Alone. Working. Eating pizza. Feeling Sad. Lonely. Missing out. Clean house. Nothing else.

2008: In Phoenix. Attempting to prep Thanksgiving dinner the night before with April. Trying to figure out if peeled apples have the peeling on them or not? I have yet to figure this out. Making multiple trips to the grocery store due to my error in following directions: peeled or unpeeled? Melt the butter before combining with oatmeal or mash it in? Only to find all the items were sold out that we needed, except the wine of course. Way too many mashed potatoes, a turkey that ready long after its scheduled time, some great pie, some oddly colored sweet potatoes that tasted fabulous (thank you very much, I think Roger referred to them as "kitty litter"), some unpeeled apples in the cranberries, stuffing that was a bit on the dry side, I think we got the corn right, no issues there. Perfection? Far from it. All this coupled with a diverse group of friends and family, followed by an intense competition of Rock Band and horseshoes. We all reminded my Mom of when we were younger, still fighting over who was going play the drums, not wanting to give up our turns. Funny how some things never change. Or maybe they do, but for the better.

 Holidays. Or maybe they should be referred to as the "Haul a Days" So much stuff, so much planning, so much stress. All things we create. All things we could avoid... if we let ourselves.

I had almost forgotten it was even Thanksgiving until I found myself getting trampled at the local farmer's market. People all rushing for their last minute items. Fresh flowers, pineapple, papayas, onions, peppers, garlic, ginger...cooking, cleaning scrubbing, rushing. Funny how no matter where you are, the holidays seem to have much in common. Stress. I couldn't help but get lost in thought...

Scrubbing. Dusting. Vacuuming. Washing. Shopping. Prepping. Cooking. Baking. The Rush. The stress. The chaos.  Is the turkey too dry? Will there be enough mashed potatoes? Who's bringing the lefse? Smoke filling the kitchen, windows being opened, life being sucked out of the moment. All memories of the holidays. All memories of my Mom working so hard to create the perfect meal. The perfect setting. The perfect Holiday.

Which brings me to my main point. As I sit here and write this, on my balcony, sunglasses on, surrounded by beauty, overlooking palm trees, blue skies, water, boats, and flowers. A setting of pure perfection. I can't help but wish I was home freezing my ass off with the rest of the family.  Funny how there is no such thing as a perfect setting. A Perfect gathering, but not a perfect setting.

So today, as you gather with family and friends, cherish the moment. The memories. The laughter. Forget about the dust on the mantle, the turkey that's too dry, or the dinner that won't be done on time. I can quite honestly say, I have never left anyone's house complaining of any such things...nor will your guests.

Live for today. Enjoy your family. Your friends. Your time making memories. Forget the stress. Forget worrying. Forget perfection. Make it a Holiday instead of a "Haul a day" Even though I am grateful that life has taken me to Hawaii, I have a feeling I won't remember much about this Thanksgiving. Its the people we surround ourselves with that truly are the best place settings anyone could ever have.

Tonight: Ponder your favorite holiday memories. Gather around. Share them at dinner. I bet there will be tears of laughter.

Tomorrow: Make a resolution for Christmas not to get caught up in the "Haul a Days" but rather the Holidays. I promise you, you won't regret it. Nor will your pocket book.

24 hours later...

Upon my arrival to Honolulu, I found myself still to be a ball of emotions: this time exhaustion trumped even my fear. After traveling for more than 24 hours, I was finally at my destination.  A destination where I knew I had no one to call to pick me up. With all the traveling I have ever done, I have always had someone to pick me up. A Friend. A hotel shuttle. A Concierge. Someone. However, this time I knew I was here alone. With no life line. No phone a friend. Not even an acquaintance. All I wanted was to get to my hotel, stretch, relax, and go to bed. However, I first had to collect my luggage and find a means of transportation to my hotel. Something so simple, yet seemed so daunting at the time. I'm gonna blame it on my level of fatigue. I think we have all been there. Where it feels as though there are 5 lbs weights on our eyelids. That's where I was at. It was work just to make my feet move.  I wasn't sure if I had the energy to face my fears. I was spent mentally, physically, emotionally; but knew I had to keep pushing for at least another hour.

I have been known to be the one and only passenger whose luggage manages to get lost or stuck in the previous city. (it's happened too many times to list: Chicago, China, Maui...) But, in no time at all, I was toting all 70 lbs of luggage, in search of a ride to my hotel when I happened overhear (ok maybe I was eavesdropping) a phone conversation. A phone conversation that led me to meet my first friend in Hawaii. A fellow travel nurse, Cheryl, from Tennessee. I overheard Cheryl expressing her fear and concern about being carless, friendless, homeless, and needing to get her nursing license tomorrow in order to start work. In my sleepless, intoxicated state, I suddenly opened my eyes and invaded her conversation, sheepishly admitting, "Me too! Are you by chance a traveling nurse?" Yes!! I was so excited, relieved, thankful.

As it turns out, this 30 second encounter led us to meeting up today, conquering the public transportation system, acquiring our nursing licenses, followed by a great dinner, even better conversation, a memorable hula ceremony, and a new friendship. It's funny how life has a way of sending people into our lives when we need them most. What's even more ironic: she shares the same name as my Mom: Cheryl. Coincidence? I think not.

Which brings me back to a previous post. It truly is amazing how nice and generous people can be. I met Cheryl 24 hours ago and now I sit here, on her couch, writing this. She was kind enough to offer her place to stay for the night.  It seems as though I have known her forever, yet I just met her. An instant connection. An instant friendship. Yet such different people. I will be sad to hop a plane and leave tomorrow; as I hope to only be so lucky in Hilo.

I will leave you with this lesson I learned today: Remember there is always someone, somewhere, experiencing something similar to you.  Ask for help. Ask for directions. Trust people. As most truly want to lend a helping hand.

Tonight: Ponder what it is you would do, if you were Cheryl, who encountered me. Would you offer your couch or send me packing?

Stripped.

Vulnerable. Susceptible. Exposed. Bare. Naked...all make a person feel weak, helpless. All have a hint of negativity to them. All remind me much of sitting in a paper thin gown, on the cold, hard examining table, shivering, waiting,  wondering, having our personal space 'invaded' by the Dr., still waiting, wondering, anticipating if something is gonna be "found." Uncomfortable. Unsettling. Humbling.

 In a far different setting, I find myself feeling like this, as I sit, alone, in the Minneapolis airport.Vulnerable. Exposed. Just plain naked.  I have left everything behind: my family, my friends, my Alice (dog), my car, my everything. For those of you that know me, my car is much like a mini Wal-mart isle. Chances are, if I need it, I am almost certain I can find it tucked away in my car. Perfume, lotion, wine opener, change of clothes, blankets, luggage, sunscreen, golf clubs, bug spray, sunglasses, comfort, reliability, security, my 'home away from home', familiarity. After all, my car and I have quite the relationship with all the time we have spent together being lost, exploring, singing car karoake (she is my biggest fan), laughing, crying, eating, drinking...and endless memories.

Security blankets. We all have them. Some of us just fail to realize them until times like this. I must confess my car is mine. It has served as a "mini' camper for me, keeping me safe, supplying a 'way out' if need be, and providing comfort and familiarity of home. Now here I sit with 2 suitcases, a computer, my camera, my cellphone, and my itinerary.

Carless, homeless, friendless.

Waiting. Wondering. Anticipating.

Which brings me to the Los Angeles airport where I am stuck for the next 7 hours. I spent the first 3.5 hours attempting to busy myself: eating, window shopping, reading, surfing the internet. All in attempts to avoid feeling naked. However in my last 3 hours here, I find that my anticipation has turned to fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being alone. Fear of defeat. The butterflies in my stomach are a confused combination of excitement and calmness, fear and bravery; sprinkled with a hint of hesitation. My mind begins to wonder as I sit and watch a young boy, in his LA Laker jersey, bounce a basketball...

There's five seconds left in the 4th quarter. We are down by two points when Mr. Ross decides that I am person who is gonna have the ball in these final seconds. I am the one who can win this game for our team. As the sweat rolls down my face, I feel my stomach filled with butterflies. Butterflies of hope, excitement combined with butterflies of defeat. Waiting. Wondering. Anticipating. As the ref blows the whistle, I pivot around my defense, feel the ball in my finger tips, fake to the right, take two dribbles to the left, plant my feet... and shoot a 3 at the top of the key. I glance at the clock, as the ball arcs ever so slowly in the air, 2...1. The gym has fallen silent. I can feel my heart beating. Time has stopped for a moment. Everything is in slow motion. Silence. Silence. I hold my breathe. The crowd roars. BUZZ!

and just like that the butterflies are gone.

And just like that Hawaiin airlines announcing it's final boarding call. Which brings me to my main point. We are all faced with fear. But I have come to realize fear is an emotion that is the final result of something else. Feeling insecure, vulnerable, exposed, naked. Throughout life we will all experience hearth ache, loss, deceit, defeat, and fear.  It's what we do with these feelings that determines our destiny. Many of us attempt to hide them. Ignore them. Mask them with work, food, exercise, alcohol...instead of really taking the journey to experience them.  I've realized that in failing to live our emotions, our hearts gradually surrender to the layers we built around it, until the layers slowly become walls. Walls of protection. Walls of shelter from harm. Until we become hard. Cold. Unable to shed a tear. A prisoner of sorts.

I think we all tend to mask our emotions; even the happy ones. We hold back. Why?

From the little research I have done about Hawaii, I have learned it is a land filled with spirit. Emotion. Meditation. Yoga. Funny how life has a way of taking us to places that we need. I have come to realize I have built walls. It's time to break them. Ask for help. It's ok to feel vulnerable. Exposed. Naked. It's all part of the process of breaking down the walls. Letting the prisoner free. To think clearer. To breathe slower. To feel stronger. To love deeper. To live richer. Sometimes it takes being 'stripped' to rebuild a stronger, better, more peaceful self.

The journey I am about to embark on is me facing my fears. Many think because I am going to a tropical paradise that everything will be perfect. But life is still life. It can be hard at times. But it's time to pull the trigger. Go for it. Face my fears. I am wise enough to know that I can't do this alone. And from time to time, am gonna need my family and friends for support, encouragement. There, I said it. I am gonna need your help. And just like that, I feel better already.

As I sign off, I am watching a lady shed tears of sadness while kissing her lover good-bye. Exposing her vulnerability to the entire airport. Not attempting to hide it. Mask it. But just to feel it. Experience it. I want to live like that. Be like that. Feel like that.

Vulnerable. Exposed. Naked. All now have a hint of serendipity to them.

Farewell for now....as my "Aloha" is awaiting me.

Tonight: Ponder your fears. Express them. Feel them. Share them with someone. Maybe even set out to conquer them. I promise you, you won't regret it.

Tomorrow: Say what you need to say, Feel what you need to feel. As life is short and I hope to never be in a position of "I never got to tell them ____________" I love them. I miss them. I need them.

Accessories...

some say: "they are our best assets." They have the power to differentiate: a hero from a villain, an angel from a demon, a bridesmaid from a bride, a runner from a dancer, a nurse from a doctor, a vacationer from a local, a king from a queen, a musician from an audience, 'a knock-off' from an 'original,' a romantic scene from a grim one...

while also possessing the ability to transform: a student to a graduate, an athlete to a champion, a house to a home, a boyfriend to a husband...

Medals. Halos. Dresses. Colors. Shoes. (my personal favorite). Uniforms. Sunglasses. Cars. Instruments. Diamonds. Pearls. Rings. Earrings. Bracelets. Purses...

Labels. Life seems to be defined by them. True Religion. Seven. Coach. Guess. Calvin Klein... Apple. IBM. Dell.... Mercedes Benz. Lexus. Porsche...blonde, brunette, fat, skinny..."The Writer." "The Farmer." "The Accountant" and my personal favorite: "The Nurse."

Which leads to: waxing, tweezing, botox, hightlights, lowlights, veneers, whitening, extensions, cleansing, juicing, laser, manicures, pedicures, jeans, purses, cars...

Funny how accessories automatically imply things, stuff, gyms, salons; Instead of personality, confidence, intelligence, emotion.

Which brings me to my main point. Every day, I hear people, especially women, say, "I hate my arms." "I wish I had her legs." "How do I get rid of my muffin top?" "Have you tried this new diet pill?" All focusing on parts of their body they want to change. Hide. Get rid of.

It breaks my heart to hear this. Of course, we all have insecurities about ourselves. But I have come to learn this is a lesson in perspective. Everyday as  nurse, I deal with people who's bodies have failed them: their heart suddenly can't beat regularly, their breathing becomes impaired, their kidneys fail, cancer has invaded...things that we all take for granted...until they suddenly become unreliable. It makes things like muffin tops and cellulite seem silly; irrelevant.

That's the funny thing about life. You don't know what you got...til it's gone. You don't realize how great your assets are, until they suddenly stop serving their purpose.

To all you women out there: I encourage you to love your body. Stop focusing on 'what's wrong' and start tuning in to 'what's right.' Think of them as your assets. It is the only thing in life that is Ours. And only Ours. Uniquely Ours. Never to be replicated. Never to be duplicated. We constantly praise our purses, our shoes, our jeans...but rarely our legs, our arms, our abs, our strengths. Strange. Weird. WHY?

We are our own worst critics. Take it from someone who has finally learned to love her body. I think of all the time I've wasted worrying about my arms, my abs, my butt...and then I come across a picture from when i was younger, thinking: dang! I looked good. (Come on, admit it, you have done this too.) I totally should've bared my midriff. Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda...Didn't. Why?

Lesson #1: Cherish what you have today, because tomorrow you're gonna wish you had it.

Throughout my travels, my encounters, my discoveries, I have come to realize: Beauty comes in all forms, all shapes, and all sizes. But what truly defines beauty and makes it shine is personality coupled with confidence. Together they trump True Religion and Coach any day. Hands down, the best accessories we will ever possess.

Tonight: Ponder what it is you love about your body. Cherish it. Embrace it. Maybe even Flaunt it.

Quirks...

We all have them. The little things that make us tick. The little things we can't live without. The little things that make us who we are; kind of like fingerprints. Maybe some of us don't even realize we have 'em, while others desperately try to hide them or are embarrassed by them. Well, ladies and gentlemen, this post is all about celebrating our individuality. Here are a few things that make me, me:

1. I avoid elevators at all cost...if there is a flight of stairs, I am taking them. 45 flights. 90 flights. No problem. 

2. I have been known to have "a relationship" with Snickerdoodle cookies from Noodles and Company. They are seriously that good.

3. I could eat pizza every day of the week. Always pepperoni. Always at least half. (I've learned to share.)

4. I have an obsession with Bath and Body Works burning oils. There are at least 2 candles burning in my house at all times. Can't relax, sleep without them. Thanks Becky Dines!!

5.  When I get really excited, I talk with my hands and I am told my eyes too. The faster I talk, the more my hands wave and eyes dart. This usually results in knocking something over at the table. Beer, wine, popcorn.

6.  I always have at least one change of clothes in my car. I've been known to enter in my scrubs and emerge 5 minutes later wearing a black strapless dress, red high heels, ready to prance off and teach ballroom class. It's what I like to refer to as the "Quick change."

7.  The Star Spangled Banner brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it. As do weddings. Tears of joy. Tears of hope.

8.  I secretly want to be a singer. However, after 6 hours of "Car Karaoke" the other day, I've realized there are some things that just my car and I are meant to share. This is definitely one of them. Yikes.

9.  I love to dance. I have caught myself waltzing, tangoing, fox-trotting with my grocery cart. Ok, it happens every time I go grocery shopping.

10.  I am obsessed with Dove dark chocolate. I'm not sure which is more addicting: the chocolate or the messages on the wrapper. I always unfold them and leave them places where people might come across them. Keyboards, chairs, coffee shops, sinks. Or I just keep them for myself at home.

11.  I love road trips, but road trips don't love me. Between all the wrong turns and bathroom stops, people tend to get frustrated with me. (cough, cough April!!)

12.  I always round my tab and the gas pump up to the nearest dollar. OCD? Maybe. But the credit card company knew right away when someone stole my card.

13.  I like to act like a kid when I can: I skipped around the lake the other day while jamming to some classic 80s tunes. Got some weird looks...which quickly turned to smiles.

14. Someone once told me, when I am thinking real hard about something, I bite my lip, pull on my eyebrows, and wrinkle my nose. that would explain my chapped lips and thinning brows.

15.  I have a case of the "puppy talk." It's kind of like when a parent talks to their baby, only much more annoying.

 


Many of the items listed above, cause people to shake their head, sigh, shrug their shoulders, become impatient, annoyed. Usually because they are in a hurry and I am slowing them down. Which leads me to my next point.

Often times, when I am out with my married friends, there is always a portion of the night spent on their husbands and "their annoying habits." Pee on the toilet, Deer heads on the wall, the embarrassing favorite t-shirt, facial hair designs, whiskers in the sink... It's funny how in the beginning of a relationship, these things are viewed as "cute" but as time goes one, they become the source of frustration and silly arguments. It's like taking a picture with the flash on verses the flash off. Same picture, different perspective, altered mood. Think about that for a moment.

As a single person, I tend to just sit back and listen. Thinking how lucky they are. Wishing I had someone's quirks to complain about. Gripe about. Laugh about. These flaws are the spice of life. The smile to laughter. The sigh to frustrations. The tears to joy. The kiss to falling in love.

Of course when two people a significant amount of time together, they are going to have moments where they drive one another crazy. That's normal. But these are also the people that helped us discover these qualities about ourselves. Most of my list, I discovered while falling in love. Its those people that we hold closest to our heart which have the insight to Our quirks. It's probably what sparked their interest to begin with.  And yours. Hmmm...., think about that for a moment. 

I have come to realize, these tiny moments in time, are what life and relationships are all about. Flaws. Imperfections. Uniqueness. Individuality. Character. Distinctness. When I catch myself thinking about the 'one that got away', these are the things I miss the most. They are irreplaceable. So, to all you couples out there: Cherish your quirks. And your partner's. Allow them to nurture your relationship. Because I guarantee you, you would miss them if they were gone.

I mean, how can you look at this picture, and NOT laugh???

Tonight: Ponder about your individuality. Make a list. Post it here. I bet you make someone smile...maybe even tango in the grocery store.

Never Say: "Good-Bye"

Tonight I sit in my hotel room, (sounds like one of my favorite Bon Jovi songs) with pandora as my date, a dimly lit candle ever so patiently flickering as a constant reminder that my time here in Minnesota is about to slowly come to an end... like a candle longing for oxygen . No matter how many times I pack up and move, shut one door and open another, I always have a moment where I feel sad. There's something about a vacant room that gets the mind thinking....As I am lost in thought, I can't help but become engulfed in the flame and aroma of relaxation that only a pumpkin latte candle can achieve.

At the beginning of my travel nurse journey, I made a conscious decision to donate 90% of my life to charity. I am talking everything: my couch, my bed, my dishes, by table, my chairs, my towels, my silverware...all those things we all need to "live" and function in a home. Those items which we spend so much time and energy purchasing, when really there is nothing personal about them. Just "stuff" to make life easier. A lesson that I think many could learn from as I find it to be rather liberating to be "freed" from these. Grant it, I understand that most people need the basics to function, but think of all the excess we live in? That, in itself, is an entirely different entry. Stay tuned.

Back to donating...I chose to keep only those items which were personal to me: my wall hangings, my photo albums, my "souvenirs" from travels, my cards and letters from my family and friends, my passport, my candles, my car, and my clothes.  That's it. That's all I claim to be mine.

However...there's so much more I take membership in: the people, the memories, the connections,  the food, the wine, the music, the weather, the colors, the experience, the time...

All of these make it very difficult for me to say: "Adios.(Spanish)  Au Revior .(French) Ha Det. (Norwegian) Aloha. (Hawaian)  Good-bye." For those that know me best, I never say "Good-bye" It's too terminal. Too cold. To Kaput. I much prefer a "See you later." As I simply believe there is no end to this life we lead. Ever.

Even though I have spent the last 5 weeks in a hotel, it's funny I managed to make it "My Own" It's amazing how a few candles, some 4x6 picture frames, an ipod dock and some clothes can personalize a space. Simple, yet so personal. As I have found, since I have packed up these items, how cold and uninviting this room has become.

 Since I became a transplant in Burnsville,  I have: made friends with co-workers and other travelers, enjoyed the lakes, the changing of the leaves, conversation, books, live music, belly dancing, comedy clubs,  started a blog, rekindled my relationship with power tools, relaxed in a sauna, learned how to play cribbage and BOUGHT that camera I talked about in my first post.  All part of the journey. The self discovery. The Serendipit-Me of who I am and who I am about to become.

For those of you who don't know, my next chapter is taking me to Hilo, Hawaii. Something I have been dreaming about for that past year, seemed unattainable, yet now here I sit, weeks away from my dream. Interesting how I am plagued with emotion: happy, sad, excited, scared, empowered...

I will sign off on this note: Funny how in life, we all meet hundreds, maybe thousands of people. Yet there are a select few that "stand out", make us evaluate life. Some that challenge us to be the people we always wanted to be. Some that push our boundaries. Our buttons. Our spirits. Motivate us. Inspire us. Are role models to us. Lucky me, I found one here.

Tonight: Ponder what it is you would keep if you only had 1 car load to fill. (and no, you can't suddenly upgrade to a mini van or spacious Lincoln town car. If you drive a jetta, you can only pack your jetta :)

Tomorrow: Be that person to someone who: motivates, inspires, pushes the envelope. Changes a life.

And finally: never say "Good-bye". Regret the past.  Or dwell on the rear-view mirror...as they are all simply road blocks to your future.