Within...

First breathe. First steps. First words.

First date. First kiss. First love.

First job. First paycheck. First promotion.

First song. First dance. First "harrah."

All worth remembering. All unforgettable. All send shivers down my spine.

First drink. First cigarette. First run-in with the law.

All worth remembering. All unforgettable. All send shivers down my spine.

It's been awhile since I have taken the time to sit down and write. I miss it. I crave it. I need it. As I mentioned in a previous post, between the sun and and sandy beaches, and the mandatory overtime at work, life has been busy to say the least. I think I have failed to follow my own advice in "Sitting at A Red Light", "Fen Shui-ing" or "taking 15 minutes in silence" to cleanse the mind, the body, the soul.

Instead I have been guilty of working too much, sleeping too little, but truly enjoying the beauty that I am surrounded by. I often pinch myself and think, "Is this for real?"

Having said that, it does not make being away from my family, my friends, my home any easier. I have had many moments where I long for familiarity, the comfort of home. The Bison Championship game and my Sister's engagement are two things that come to mind instantly. (The holidays are a 'given' in my book) Both caused me to shed tears of joy. Tears of sadness. Tears of admiration.

Firsts. Funny how they can somehow lead to tears of sadness. Tears of joy. Tears of the unknown.

A few firsts that I have had the privilege of experiencing since I arrived in Hawaii.

1. First Time Being Without a Car. Relying strictly on public transportation and my tennis shoes. Not knowing a Single Soul.

Humbling? Yes. Frustrating? Yes. Great Life Lesson? Absolutely. I think everyone should experience this at least once in their life. It truly makes you appreciate the smallest gestures of total strangers. Once again, not knowing what you have, til it's not there.

2. First Run-in with a Gecko hiding under my pillow.

Feelings of the "eeby jeebies'? Yes. Wanting a man to come "Save Me?" Yes. Developing an 'understanding' that we are a team...George eats the fruit flies while I enjoy my fruit. Priceless. However, that's where it ends. No holding. No cuddling time for George. We keep our distance. It's strictly a "business" relationship. But one of respect at that. A lesson in open-mindedness. One I think we could all learn from.

3. First time my Garmin cannot steer me in the right direction.

Feelings of uneasiness? Absolutely. Countless hours of driving in circles? Uh huh. (I don't care what they say, people CAN get lost on an island.) Lisa developing more patience? Ah...no. Lisa at least taking the map when people offer it to her? Yes. Being able to read it? No. A work in progress...baby steps. But, I have ran into some pretty cool things along the way.

4. First visit to the "Green Sand Beach" and the Southern Most Tip of the United States.

Worth the hour hike? Without a doubt. Worth the bruised knees from slipping on the volcanic rock? For sure. Bright green color like the books show? Not so much. More of a "Gold Sand" beach. None the less, another great life lesson: Life can be an illusion. Live it through your own senses...not someone else's.

5. First time working out in ONLY a Sports Bra and shorts...

Let me explain. I have always wanted to be the 'cute' girl at the gym with the washboard abs, working out and looking cute doing it. Ive just never had the confidence to do it. Those of you that know me, know that this is definitely NOT me a the gym. Heck. Even when I ran the marathon, my goal was to run it in a sports bra and feel comfortable. (Nope, ran it in spandex, a tank top, with a jacket) Turns out, all it takes is: a gym without air conditioning. The 75-80 weather serving as the air-conditioning attempting to force the gentle breeze in the opened doors, 100% humidity, and a North Dakotan in 'hibernation' mode, trying to fit in with the locals. I stick out like a sore thumb! All I have to do is walk in the gym and I instantly begin to sweat. Put me on the stepmill? There's no hiding it. I tend to resemble an 'eager vacationer stuck in a tropical storm'...a hot mess at best. After a few weeks of trying to tough it out, I finally whipped my tank top off, used it as a towel, and eventually embraced me facing my fears. It only took 32 years, but I WAS that girl in the gym, shirtless. Empowering? Yes. Feelings of wanting to hide? For sure. Worth the risk? Without a doubt.

Funny how in life, sometimes something you fear the most, turns out to be just what you needed. My shirtless workout taught me that sometimes things are 'scarier' than they seem. Risks are scary, but worth taking. At least at the end of the day, our questions are answered. They may not be the answer we are looking for, but at least they are answered. Interesting.

6. First Island 'Rash'

 No! Not that kind.  Sheesh. Sandruff: the end result when indulging in something you love, only to be constantly reminded and bothered by it later." Yep, my trip to the hot ponds left me with the nickname: "Fire Pits." Yes, I admit it, I got a fungal rash under both armpits from the water. And let me tell you, they ITCH worse than any mosquito bite I have ever had. Also very difficult to get rid of because they like warm, dark places. Hmmmm....I never liked my armpits to begin with, now I really hate them. Stay tuned...hopefully it goes away soon. SO worth it though.

And finally, a quick list of some 'firsts' that are yet to come:

* Go to a traditional Hawaiian 1 year old Birthday party--they are a HUGE deal here. I've been lucky enough to be invited to one.
* To ride a wave on a surf board
* To paddle board.
* Steal snow from Mauna Kea and make a snowman by the beach.
*To learn the Hula

Firsts.

All worth remembering. All unforgettable. All send shivers down my spine.

 We all look forward to them, celebrate them, sometimes even plan them. Other times we just need them. Kinda like that first drink of water after a long run...so quenching. Satisfying. Rewarding.

Last breathe. Last steps. Last words.

Last date. Last kiss. Last love.

Last job. Last paycheck. Last promotion.

Last song. Last dance. Last "harrah."

All worth remembering. All unforgettable. All send shivers down my spine.

Last drink. Last smoke. Last run-in with the law. 

All worth remembering. All unforgettable. All send shivers down my spine.

Endings. Funny how they can somehow lead to tears of sadness. Tears of joy. Tears of the unknown.

As I sit here in Hilo and write this, I can't help but be torn between beginnings and endings. Firsts and lasts. Since arriving on the Island, I have had too many close friends lose their Fathers to tragedy. My heart goes out to each and every one of them. Once again, a constant reminder of how delicate life really is.

On a lighter note, I have spent the last year and some odd months living life in 3 month increments. Marking off the days on the calendar after work; much like we did back in kindergarten when we made a chain link necklace for the last few days of school. Searching for the ending. I promised myself I wasn't going to do this in Hawaii, but I must admit, I have been faithfully crossing off the days in red on my calendar. I had told myself before landing in Hawaii, that this was going to be my last travel assignment...I am so torn. Half of me wants to buy a house and settle down somewhere while the other half of me knows this is a short window of opportunity and once it's over, it will be over forever. Endings. They are tough. However, my gig as a travel nurse is an entire different blog entry...stay tuned.

Sharifa's last day and breakfast in Hilo.

Funny how in life, we have all created countdowns. Countdowns til vacation. Countdowns til Christmas. Countdowns til Summer. Countdowns til retirement. Almost wishing life away. Wanting life to pass by faster than it already does. Don't get me wrong, I am 100% guilty of this. But why? Isn't life already short enough? As I am sure, Somewhere. Someday. We will all wish we had more time. I have had the privilege of sharing the last moments. Last words. Last Breaths of people's lives. And most have told me very similar things: "I wish I would've worried less, experienced more, and cared less what people thought about me." Some words of wisdom I think we should all learn to live by.

Which brings me to my main point. Life: it seems as though we stress the "Firsts" and "Lasts" but tend to overlook the "Middle."  The "Now." The Moment. The section in which we spend most of our lives.

After all, it's the middle of the book that tells the story, the inside of cards that carry the message, the chorus in the middle of the song that sustains the melody.

Ok, I have become distracted and am lost in thought pondering about the things in life where the middle is the best part. These are just a few that popped into my mind:

the center of the snickers is what keeps me coming back for more. The filling of jellied donuts. The glazed steamy center of a cinnamon roll. Stuffed crust pizza. Cheese curds. Smores. Pineapple. The 7th inning of a baseball game (Ok, not completely in the middle, but not the end either.) Half time entertainment. Center stage.  Half way through a run. The middle of the night. The center of the blanket. Being in the middle of someone's arms.

 

Being the Middle Sister. Not to take away from the first or last, but I have been dealt a winning hand. Lucky Me.

Mid breathe. Mid steps. Mid words.

Mid date. Mid kiss. Mid falling in love.


Mid job. Mid paycheck. Mid promotion.


Mid song. Mid dance. Mid "harrah."


All worth remembering. All unforgettable. All send shivers down my spine.

Mid drink. Mid smoke. Mid run-in with the law. 

The half way point: Funny how they can somehow lead to tears of sadness. Tears of joy. Tears of the unknown.

Also funny how the 'middle' sometimes is referred to as the 'rut' or 'routine' we are desperately trying to escape. Wanting to try something new. Different. Yet it is between sunrise and sunset that we are most productive.  Feel most accomplished. Have the most energy. Coincidence? I think not.

As I sit here, smack dab in the middle of my 13 week assignment, I can't help but want to hit the pause button. I am not sure I am ready for the end to be here. Glad some of the 'firsts' are done and over with, while others I wish I could relive over and over. But, I must admit, I am truly enjoying living in the moment. The now. The Middle.  While sipping on my Kona coffee, in my cozy apartment, with my chocolate mint candle aglow, my favorite Pink song interrupts my pitter patter on the keyboard. I get a bit teary-eyed. Well, you might as well live in the moment with me as the lyrics truly describe my time up until this point in Hawaii...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQ0zhsvhynw

Caught somewhere between the beginning and the end. I am happy. Content. Satisfied. At Peace...with Pink's words echoing in the background:

"Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight?
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?
Tonight."

Tonight: Ponder this: "Beginnings and endings are tiny aspects of what lie within......The Middle." Strive to be happy. Content. Satisfied. At Peace. As it truly is the way we were all meant to live. As "Paradise" is simply a state of mind. A State of being.